Overcoming negative thought patterns and limited thinking - Part 1

If our dreams are contingent on our ability to change someone else's thinking, then we may be waiting a lifetime for our happiness. More than once in the past I've fallen into that trap believing that if I could just bring that person round to my way of thinking everything would be perfect.

The assumption that we can change someone else to suit our needs is an exercise in futility. We're all very complexly and individually created. Hypothetically I think of myself and others as magnificent patch work quilts. From the moment we're born we begin weaving together the treads of our feeling, experiences, and our dreams into the intricate patterns that represent who we are.

Usually it takes years to decipher the crux of the elaborate patterns we weave for ourselves and even longer to understand the make-up of others. So often when we meet someone we like we focus on those components that may fulfil our needs rather than appreciate the sum total picture of who they really are.

What I have done in the past is to compromise what I really wanted for what was available at that moment, and finding someone who possessed several qualities that I desired but lacked in others. I simply ignored the problem areas. I'd convince myself that in time I'd change the parts I didn't like. Until we can wholeheartedly accept that we are entitled to our perfect relationship it's easy to fall prey to our insecurities. I used to spend a great deal of energy trying to convince myself that I could either teach people to see things my way or conclude that that a given issue really wasn't that important.

In a relationship, as time progresses people expose who they really are rather than who we want them to be. Eventually we begin saying. Why isn't it as good as it used to be? Why aren't you like you were? We were happy before!

In reality, they were always the same. We had our hopes and dreams, the vision of who we wanted them to be. Whenever someone else holds the key to our happiness, we have given away our power to him or her. We have given someone else the responsibility of making us happy. We can't change people unless they want to change. When other person is the subject of our problems we become the victims waiting for them to give us what we need.

In other words, we must learn to take the emphasis off the object of our problems. The person ---- our son, daughter, parent, spouse, or friend. We simply cannot change people. However, we can change our perception of the problem. When we realize that our desire is really the problem then we have options. If a person is the problem for us and we desire them to give up something or change in some way, then we have put them in the power position.

Remember you are in charge of your perceptions. But you're not in charge of people. Fear and insecurity can lead us into the wrong relationship faster than love. It's important to know what our fears are before looking for a partner.

After my divorce I told myself that I wasn't going to let my fear of being alone influence me in selecting a partner. Whether it's an obvious conscious fear of being alone influence me in selecting a partner. Whether an obvious conscious fear or a hidden subconscious one, being afraid of loneliness can colour our view of people. It's another way we deceive ourselves by saying. I can adjust. Thinking that we can change someone just doesn't work in the long run. While we try to find the courage to go it alone some of our inner dialogue is absolutely terrifying. We tell ourselves negative things like you’re not young anymore, your career may be over, you’re too fat or to thin, your skin looks old… these are just some example of our negative self-talk.